A Rocky Road… (AKA Just don’t get caught).

SlyIn the unraveling saga of his disastrous Australian junket, Silvester Stallone’s now officially busted for allegedly importing 48 vials of Jintropin into Australia. He won’t have to appear in court but they’ll slap a fine on his buns of steel, you can bet on that.

What were you thinking, Sly?

According to the SMH, the stuff does not have FDA or TGA approval and “is not a recognised treatment for any condition.”

That includes the condition of shrinking self-esteem, Sly, which may or may not be linked to the shrinking of certain organs with age, which is one condition that the Somatropin (the active ingredient in Jintropin) site assures us the drug WILL treat.

But hey, why stop there? The manufacturers also claim the juice leads to”

  • Greater cardiac output
  • Lowered blood pressure
  • Superior immune function
  • Enhanced human sexual performance
  • Improved cholesterol profile
  • Reduced body fat
  • Higher energy levels
  • Increased exercise performance
  • Supplement stronger bones
  • Hair re-growth
  • Younger, tighter, thicker skin
  • Wrinkle removal
  • Increased muscle mass
  • Yeah, and re-generation of major organs that shrink with age

Is that Jintropin in your pocket, or are you just pleased to see me?

What about side effects?

None, claims the manufacturers. Nada, nil. You’d have to be a right girls-blouse to whine about a little swelling of the hands and feet (edema). Next you’ll be complaining about a thickening of the bones/jaw. Or numbness in the hands and feet, increased organ growth, decreased insulin reception, acromegaly, decreased thyroid output, carpal tunnel syndrome/Arthralgia, tingling in the extremities. Or even, increased rate of growth in cancer cells.

Side-effects, shmide-effects. OK, so the New England Journal of Medicine has been desperately trying to distance itself from the quack-fest caused by its 1990 study on 12 men, between the ages of 60 and 80, most of whom showed increase muscle mass without corresponding muscle strength. That doesn’t mean we can’t throw money at the plethora of ” anti-aging specialists” that the study inadvertently spawned. (An Editors Note on the front page of the study begins, “This article has been cited in potentially misleading e-mail advertisements…

As Rocky would say: no pain, no box-office gain. Hope it was worth it, Big Guy.


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